


Snowy Cabin in the Woods

by epeeblade



Category: Avengers RPS, Real Person Fiction, Supernatural RPS, star trek (2009) rps, white collar rps
Genre: Crack, M/M, Tropes, cliches, cliches twisted on its side, metafic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-11
Updated: 2012-12-11
Packaged: 2017-11-20 21:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epeeblade/pseuds/epeeblade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah. So I locked some hot guys in a cabin together for reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snowy Cabin in the Woods

**Author's Note:**

> So this morning I was thinking I'd really like a movie starring Jeremy Renner, Jensen Ackles, Matt Bomer and Chris Pine. Aside from the fact that there's no way all of them would be in a movie together, the image in my head was more Magic Mike than My Bloody Valentine. And then it turned into this.
> 
> I regret nothing.
> 
> Warning: There's some implied non-con, but no actual sex.

Renner closed the door and threw the bolt lock for good measure. Stepping too far beyond the outside of the cabin set his ears ringing with inhuman howls. It was like they didn't want him to grab any extra firewood. What were they supposed to do in here without a fire? Huddle together for warmth? It must be 30 below out there! And the snow kept falling, blanketing the forest with nothing but pure white.

When he turned around he saw Jensen loading a shot gun, Matt peering out the window and Pine pacing the length of the sole room in the tiny cabin. At least there was a fully stocked bathroom and kitchen. For some reason the living room doubled as a bedroom – and there was only one bed.

"Where the fuck did you get a shot gun?" Renner asked. He clutched his forehead to ward off a dizzy spell. They showed up whenever he did something like think too hard about how he got here with these three other guys.

Jensen gave him a glare. "I always travel with a gun. I'm from Texas."

"So am I, and you don't see me traveling with an arsenal." Matt pulled out his cell phone and checked it for the twelfth time. It was probably as dead as Renner's.

"You don't sound like you're from Texas," Jensen drawled, as if just daring Matt with the power of his voice.

Renner rolled his eyes. "Dude, come on. We gotta figure out a way to get out of here."

"You don't think the gun will help?" Pine stopped pacing long enough to ask. He shot an amused look in Jensen's direction.

"You know you're not actually Dean Winchester, right?"

Jensen growled. "I've been dealing with this way longer than any of you chuckleheads. Just you wait, Renner, it's only just begun for you."

"So you know what's out there keeping us in here?" Renner should have figured a guy who made his living with horror movies would know.

"Fan girls."

Renner blinked. Ok – now that was not what he'd been expecting to here. "What the hell?"

"It starts with a cute story, here and there, and then all of a sudden there's an X-rated photomanip of you and your costar set to music on Youtube."

Renner looked over at Matt and Pine, trying to see if either of them had drunk the kool aid. "Okay, sure, and how exactly does that lead to us being here now?"

"You ever seen Misery? It's like that, only without all the limbs being cut off." Jensen frowned in the middle of loading his gun. "At least, I sure as hell hope not. They want us to finish the story."

"What story?" Matt finally came away from the window.

Renner held up his hands. He had a feeling he knew where Jensen was going with this. "You're saying they want us to do what? Have sex?"

Jensen nodded grimly. "Probably shooting for a veritable orgy in here."

"So, we fuck and then they'll let us out?" Renner made for the bathroom. He'd seen the condoms, lube and dildo in one of the drawers. "I call top!"

"You can't be top, shorty."

He whirled around at Jensen. So what the guy had like six inches on him – Renner had ten years and sneakiness on his side. "I'm older."

"Doesn't work that way. The shortest guy always bottoms." Matt shrugged as they all turned to look at him. "Okay, so maybe I've read some fanfic in my time."

"You primed the room." Renner got up in Jensen's space. "I bet this is all a set up. You're sick of being the short one with that giant you call a co-star."

"You leave Jared out of this."

"Is that seriously what you're arguing about?" Pine got between them and pried them apart. "We are trapped in a cabin in the woods and have no idea how we got here, and you think sex will set us free? And I thought the plot of the next Trek movie was confusing."

Renner started to feel a bit hot under the collar. Pine's hand was a furnace on his chest and he could smell Jensen from here – sweat and gun oil and that should not be so arousing. He shook his head. What kind of power did these fan girls have?

A knock on the door broke up the tension. Someone had made it up here? Maybe they had a hope of getting free. Matt swung the door open and another man stepped in.

"Jeff…" Jensen breathed.

"Hello, boys. I heard you all were looking for a top?"

***

Clark ran his hands across the keyboard, zooming in the camera on the front door. The look on Renner's face was delicious. He'd have to get a still of that for tumblr.

"Don't tell me I missed it." Tim slid into the seat next to him and handed Clark his mug of hot cocoa.

"You can replay Matt's reaction. He still hasn't recovered."

"Is it time to start pumping the pheromones into the room?"

"I've already spiked the beer in the fridge. It's only a matter of time." Clark rubbed his hands together. Soon he'd have all the material he needed for the perfect fanfic. Then his evil plan to troll his fans would be complete.

And Misha would find out who the true lord of twitter was.

"So are we thinking they all take turns with Renner or are they gonna pair off?" Tim started to eat the popcorn Clark had popped for the occasion.

"My money is on a Jensen/Jeff/Matt threeway." Clark eyed the popcorn. "How long do you think we should wait before we send Jared and Zack in?"

Tim grinned. "I say do it mid-coitus and watch the angst explode."

"You are an evil evil man, Tim DeKay." Clark fist-bumped him.

end


End file.
